The Other Shoe

I guess that when the other shoe drops, it doesn't always manifest as emotional recoiling, after all. If you have been following this blog then you know that things with Mark3 have been going well - very well - eerily well, in fact - which is why I've been wary that it's just too good to be true. Now I'm finding out that maybe it is – but it's not so much a shoe as a big ole boot that appears to be teetering on the edge at the moment: Mark3 was offered a job. A good job. An amazing job, in fact. 

In New York City.

He wasn’t even looking for it – and he certainly wasn't looking to relocate. It turns out that an old buddy of his happened to have an opening for a position requiring someone with a very specialized skill set, and it just so happens that Mark3 is perfectly qualified. So the guy called up Mark3 last week and essentially offered it to him on the spot. And it’s not just a job. It’s a crazy cool job. A job that, no doubt, 100 other equally-qualified people would gladly take for half the pay – and here, they are offering him far more than he’s making now. 

Still, it is all smoke in mirrors to an extent. I'm not being my typical cynical self right now. I'm just being honest, as I am in the unusual position of having seen through the smoke firsthand. Ironically, the job is similar in nature to the job that I used to have – the same job that I consciously chose to step away from a number of years ago, in search of a better quality of life. It’s in the same industry I used to work in; it’s super-competitive, it’s brutally intense, the hours are long, the weekends are few, it’s all-consuming - almost more a lifestyle than a job. 

After years of doing this, myself, I awoke one day to a sinister revelation: a life that had seemed so glamorous at one time had turned utterly mundane. I was burnt out, I was jaded, I was single, and I was lonely. All of the holidays I’d spent in the office, all the weekends I’d spent on airplanes, all the time with family and friends that had been sacrificed, and all of that extra oomph that I’d put into my work amounted to nothing in the end. I’d been compensated with paychecks, and when it was all said and done, no one owed me a damn thing more. Precious time had passed me by, and I had very little to show for it other than some entertaining stories and a solid bank account. It was a regrettable lesson to learn because there were no do-overs. My twenties were gone, and I was alone, and I was forced to learn the hard way that your job doesn't keep you warm at night. 

Still, Mark3 is not me, and I cannot project onto him my own aspirations or my own perceived path to fulfillment. This job is not what I would choose for myself, but that is neither here nor there because this isn’t up to me. Mark3 must make the decision himself, and he must choose the course that he believes will bring him the most happiness. And I cannot stand in the way of that because if having this job and leaving all he has is what he needs to find gratification, then I'd much rather him opt for that than settle for what he has now and live the rest of his life wondering "what if?". So I can do little more than, as delicately as possible, make my feelings known and then staunchly stand behind him as he sorts this out for himself. 

That said, if he does accept the job, then I will have a decision of my own - however reactionary - to make at some point in the not-so-distant future. I will have to choose what will make me happiest. If he takes the job, if he goes, then there is really no shot at a viable relationship between us. Long distance is trying enough, but it certainly doesn't jive with 90-hour work weeks and moving there is an obvious nonstarter. If you think I’m being unreasonable, then you’ve probably described yourself at least once in your life as a hopeless romantic. A couple of my close friends had consoled me by saying, “Well, you could always move to NYC,” but not only is that a professionally and financially foolish decision, it is very simply not a life that I would choose to have – not by any stretch. I do not want to live in New York City, and I do not want to be in a relationship with someone whose first priority will always be his job.

So that’s that. Now I just have to wait and see. He says he’s 50/50 right now, and he says that by next Thursday, he will have made up his mind. 

It’s going to be a long week.