Ode to Online Dating

As a tribute to the delightfully dreadful experiences I’ve been privy to while dating dudes I’ve met online, I decided to pen this little poem made up of memories from my many encounters from over the years, ranging from the shock of meeting the man of the moment and realizing that he is nothing like his description of himself to my responses to some of the god-awful antics, questions, and various other utterings of which I've been the target while on these meet-n-greet-n-run-away-as-fast-as-you-can outings.

 

Ode to Online Dating

“You’re about nine inches shy of 5’10”.  And two decades older than 30.”

“Would you please stop talking about your hot ex-girlfriend?” And: “No, I don’t like it dirty.”

“Please don’t fart and blame it on your dog.  In fact, please don’t fart—at all.” 

“It’s ‘ciao’ not ‘chow.’”  “Get your hand off my thigh.”  “Stop calling—I haven’t answered since fall.”

“Excuse me, I can see you staring at my boobs.”  “I’m sorry; did you just say 'my wife’?” 

“South Park and Simpsons don’t count as interests—my God, would you please get a life.”

“I don’t give a damn about your Rolex watch. I don’t care if your suit is Armani.” 

“Did you stop to take note that I’m not superficial? –And care even less about your Ferrari”.

“No, the carpet does not match the drapes; does this Cabernet match your shirt?”

“I’m not into threesomes.” “I will not have your baby.” “Getting the door for me wouldn’t really hurt.”

“You asked me to go ‘halvsies’ on our very first date, so no, there won’t be a second.”

“A bright yellow hummer does not make you cool.” And: “Pilot-slash-model is not a profession.”

Beware of (another) Douche

As a preface, I would like to acknowledge that the obnoxious email exchange that was initiated by cutesweetgent was not the worst thing in the world. He was being a dick, for sure - but that, alone, didn't warrant an autopsy of his match.com profile. When a closer look at his profile revealed that he regularly alters vital details such as his age and where he's from, however, I decided that a postmortem was definitely in order. Not only does he prove that he is a lying asswipe, but his profile, in general, is a joke. What's more is that this is also a frightening peak behind the mask of lies so brazenly worn by some of the men on these dating sites. 

For the record, I do believe that there are plenty of men on Match.com and in the rest of these online shark tanks that are, in fact, catches. I've seen a few friends reel in some bona fide winners over the years, and I'm hoping that, more recently, I've landed a keeper, myself. Regardless, there are plenty of bottom feeders just like cutesweetgent - and thus, plenty of reasons for hopeful, well-meaning singles to keep their guards up when fishing in these waters.

Now, without further ado, let the slicing, dicing, and satirizing begin...

Most Eligible Bastard

Reaching back into my most recent vault of virtual a-hole encounters, I bring you: cutesweetgent36. What a charmer! Touting himself as "100% a gentleman" and "the type of guy you can bring home to meet your family," this cad came across my match.com profile and promptly bagged his gallant guise right from the start.

...Brief backstory: if you've been reading my blog then you know that I was previously accosted by a different cretin for being "arrogant," even though my profile opens with a laundry list of faults. Later in the profile, I do seek redemption, and in an attempt to make myself sound even remotely interesting, I recall having once interviewed both Hugh Hefner and Snoop Dogg on the same night for an article I was writing at the time. It's just a random experience that people tend to find amusing -- little, naive, southern-twanged me hanging out with a porno mag monarch and a gangsta rap pioneer at the Playboy Mansion. And sure, I dropped a couple names, but having also referred to myself as whiny and klutzy (among other flaws), I figure it all evens out in the end.

Cutesweetgent36 apparently disagrees, and upon reading my profile, decides to make the following demand:

Read on for more on my dealings with cutesweetgent36...

Sweating It Out in Moving Hell

I just wanted to check in and tell everyone to bear with me for the moment. I just moved (across town, nothing special - although I am now only a few miles away from Mark3 - more on that later) so I've not had time to post much lately. 

I will definitely be revving up again once I emerge from this relocation netherworld, though, so be sure to check back soon!