Most Eligible Bastard

Reaching back into my most recent vault of virtual a-hole encounters, I bring you: cutesweetgent36. What a charmer! Touting himself as "100% a gentleman" and "the type of guy you can bring home to meet your family," this cad came across my match.com profile and promptly bagged his gallant guise right from the start.

...Brief backstory: if you've been reading my blog then you know that I was previously accosted by a different cretin for being "arrogant," even though my profile opens with a laundry list of faults. Later in the profile, I do seek redemption, and in an attempt to make myself sound even remotely interesting, I recall having once interviewed both Hugh Hefner and Snoop Dogg on the same night for an article I was writing at the time. It's just a random experience that people tend to find amusing -- little, naive, southern-twanged me hanging out with a porno mag monarch and a gangsta rap pioneer at the Playboy Mansion. And sure, I dropped a couple names, but having also referred to myself as whiny and klutzy (among other flaws), I figure it all evens out in the end.

Cutesweetgent36 apparently disagrees, and upon reading my profile, decides to make the following demand:

Read on for more on my dealings with cutesweetgent36...

Is he trying to be funny -- and clearly, I mean "funny" as in the way a boy in my second grade class used to pull my hair and call me fish face because he had a crush on me? Or is he actually requesting that I submit tangible verification of my claims? I couldn't be sure and even if I'd been tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I found his online self-description to be utterly nauseating and brimming with laughable contradictions (as such, check back later for his full profile that I'm in the process of ruthlessly dissecting just like I did my douchebag ex's...YAY!), and so I simply didn't bother responding.

Three days later, I receive this follow-up message from him:

Well, with that, at least he managed to remove any doubt that he was, in fact, a jackass. I could have left it alone, but why squander such a prime opportunity to verbally spank a wanker?

And so I replied:

And of course, I then blocked him.

These mean dudes simply baffle me. I mean, why even bother with their unwarranted, acidic messages? Aren't they on match.com "to find love"? Are they just lonely, bitter assholes who zealously conduct their match.com searches, taking the occasional break to leisurely pick a fight with some woman they find intimidating? Do they feel better about themselves after landing their jabs? Do they hit "send" after shooting off this wholly unnecessary barb to a complete stranger and then pat themselves on the back, having proudly dispensed a little more malevolence into the already oppressive world of those who are single-and-looking? And more importantly, do they ever consider karma?

When signing up for an online dating service, it always strikes me as sad to see the option for an annual subscription. I always wonder if there are actual people out there who are genuinely that hopeless, that positive that it will take them at least a year to find someone to date? Then I get emails from dickweeds like this, and it occurs to me that these "most eligible of eligible" bastards are precisely the reason why annual subscriptions are offered.

As promised, a line-by-line crucifixion of sweetcutegent awaits. In case you didn't notice, the fact that he seems to have moved to California and grown three years younger in the course of only a few days should provide you with a delicious glimpse of what's to come! Check back shortly to view the carnage.