Ode to Online Dating

As a tribute to the delightfully dreadful experiences I’ve been privy to while dating dudes I’ve met online, I decided to pen this little poem made up of memories from my many encounters from over the years, ranging from the shock of meeting the man of the moment and realizing that he is nothing like his description of himself to my responses to some of the god-awful antics, questions, and various other utterings of which I've been the target while on these meet-n-greet-n-run-away-as-fast-as-you-can outings.

 

Ode to Online Dating

“You’re about nine inches shy of 5’10”.  And two decades older than 30.”

“Would you please stop talking about your hot ex-girlfriend?” And: “No, I don’t like it dirty.”

“Please don’t fart and blame it on your dog.  In fact, please don’t fart—at all.” 

“It’s ‘ciao’ not ‘chow.’”  “Get your hand off my thigh.”  “Stop calling—I haven’t answered since fall.”

“Excuse me, I can see you staring at my boobs.”  “I’m sorry; did you just say 'my wife’?” 

“South Park and Simpsons don’t count as interests—my God, would you please get a life.”

“I don’t give a damn about your Rolex watch. I don’t care if your suit is Armani.” 

“Did you stop to take note that I’m not superficial? –And care even less about your Ferrari”.

“No, the carpet does not match the drapes; does this Cabernet match your shirt?”

“I’m not into threesomes.” “I will not have your baby.” “Getting the door for me wouldn’t really hurt.”

“You asked me to go ‘halvsies’ on our very first date, so no, there won’t be a second.”

“A bright yellow hummer does not make you cool.” And: “Pilot-slash-model is not a profession.”