Asshole Analytics

I just wanted to report that the "Beware of Douche" post featuring the biggest mistake of my life and the satirical dissection of his mythical self-portrait that is his match.com profile has gotten 5920 hits as of this morning.
 

I couldn't have asked for a more invigorating catharsis than to know that 5920 souls on this planet have been entertained by the comedy that was my former life. Thanks for reading, you guys!

The Assclown Exposé Continues

Click here to read more about nchillbilly3

I may be dating someone at the moment, but that by no means implies that I've forgotten the hell from whence I came. That being said, I have no intention of quashing what makes up much of the intended spirit of this blog. Indeed, the pejorative butthole bashing will live on. I will continue to out the dimwitted dudes who live among us, combing through the pages of online dating sites, piggishly picking the lucky ladies upon whom they will hurl their verbal vomit. 

In this afternoon’s spotlight we have none other than nchillbilly3...

When the Greener Grass is Your Own

Mark3 turned down the job. 

He actually turned down the job. The very, very good job. He said that, at one point, he was 90% sure he would accept it, but after stepping back and carefully taking stock of his life, he decided he was happy with what he has. 

There is something that is so completely enviable about that. Every time that I've ever been offered a significant opportunity in life, I've taken it. The grass was always greener, the outlook was always brighter, and the possibilities were always more substantial. I have no idea what it feels like to be in his shoes right now, but what an extraordinary position to be in – to be offered an incredible opportunity and then turn it down because, in comparison, you prefer the life that you already have.

What a revolutionary outlook. I would love more than anything to see my own world through eyes like those. Now that he is staying, perhaps I finally can.

Buttsex, Blowjobs, & Other Words to Avoid When Meeting Your New Guy's Family

Meeting the family members of the person you are going out with is always a daunting prospect. Obviously, they love him, they want the very best for him and they want to protect him. You are entering the picture as a relative unknown. They know he likes you, but that’s about the only thing you have going for you, so it’s up to you to prove to them that you are worthy of their son's/grandson's/brother's/cousin's/nephew’s romantic company.

In general, though, I’d say that I am pretty comfortable in social situations - meeting the family, included. Also, meeting his relatives is key to finding out what makes him tick – and if they really dig you, then that can be a serious relationship booster. In my experience, dads always like me, so do brothers, moms are cautious but warm up quickly, sisters are pretty similar to moms, and grandparents invariably size me up using adjectives typically reserved for puppies like “precious” and “adorable." Anyway, my point here is that family meet-and-greets are definitely a step up on the social stress-meter, but they aren’t the worst things in the world.

…is what I would have said up until this past weekend.
 

Big Feet, Big...

It sure is nice to be dating someone whose socks I can distinguish from my own. Douche had tiny feet, and his tiny man-socks would always end up in my sock drawer. It was very frustrating.

Just sayin'.

The Other Shoe

I guess that when the other shoe drops, it doesn't always manifest as emotional recoiling, after all. If you have been following this blog then you know that things with Mark3 have been going well - very well - eerily well, in fact - which is why I've been wary that it's just too good to be true. Now I'm finding out that maybe it is – but it's not so much a shoe as a big ole boot that appears to be teetering on the edge at the moment: Mark3 was offered a job. A good job. An amazing job, in fact. 

In New York City.

He wasn’t even looking for it – and he certainly wasn't looking to relocate. It turns out that an old buddy of his happened to have an opening for a position requiring someone with a very specialized skill set, and it just so happens that Mark3 is perfectly qualified. So the guy called up Mark3 last week and essentially offered it to him on the spot. And it’s not just a job. It’s a crazy cool job. A job that, no doubt, 100 other equally-qualified people would gladly take for half the pay – and here, they are offering him far more than he’s making now.