Beware of Douche

Introducing . . . my ex-husband. On match.com. This very minute.

Priceless!

Let this be a warning to single women everywhere: THIS is why you shouldn't necessarily take online dating profiles at face value.

I’d struggled with whether to post this, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s essentially a public service announcement. I discovered my ex's profile on match.com...only two weeks after we declared our marriage over -- and it's still on there now.

I'm a little befuddled by the fact that he decided to join match after cheating on me with two different women. If those chicks were so awesome that he was willing to risk his marriage just to get a piece, then why the hell isn’t he dating one of them?

At any rate, the point here is this: some people on these online dating sites are BIG FAT LIARS, and here is my ex’s profile to prove it. And not only is it festering with fibs, but you'll also notice that in his profile picture, he is wearing a wife-beater. How appropriate. 

I’m so embarrassed to have ever been even remotely associated with him. Worse, this makes me worry about all of the poor, unsuspecting women out there that this douchebag is currently screwing over. I can only hope that they get wise to his bullshit before they, too, end up throwing away years of their life trying to cultivate a relationship with someone who is apparently a figment of his own imagination.

Read on for your enjoyment.

And for the icing on the cake: below is the profile he used when I met him. Same F-ing profile. Somehow, he managed to date a woman for three years and get married, yet nothing about him has changed? Weird, huh?

What a complete cocksucker. 

The Birther Lives

Those of you following this blog probably know about the birther. If you don't, here ya go: birther blog post. Either way, guess what: the birther is back. A full two months after I so unceremoniously dismissed him, he apparently developed a case of amnesia. Last night, this email arrived in my inbox: 

The birther in all his douchey glory

Hi! It has been more than a few minutes since I last saw you!!!! How are you doing?!?! I hope all is well, I thought I would have seen you at work by now but no luck :-( anyway, hope you're doing okay and I hear from you before I die, muah

"muah"? Are you kidding me? What does "muah” mean, anyway? I think it might be that kissy-sound type thing that wealthy French people, heiresses, socialites, and flaming gay dudes use to greet each other. At any rate, no one should be using this unless he or she belongs to one of those aforementioned categories. And no one should be trying to use it phonetically when writing. Ever. It’s stupid.

My second gripe: why this numbskull so oblivious? I mean, let’s pretend for a second that he doesn’t recall our last date. It’s been two months. If someone I was going out with took a two month hiatus, I would take that to mean that they do not want to be with me. And if that someone could actually go two months without speaking to me, why would I want to be with them?  

Third gripe: chill with the punctuation.

Here's How It Will Go

Things with Mark3 continue to go well. I am, however, just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop. He appears to be a genuinely good guy, but I haven’t fully trusted my own judgment for a while now (for obvious reasons). I’ve therefore been guarded and cautious, yet thus far, he hasn’t let me down. He knows about my baggage and my skeletons and still, he sticks around – everyday a little more steadfast than the day prior. We’re complete opposites in all the right ways and similar in all the good ways, and when I’m with him, I get to live the kind of life that I want because we seem to want the same things. He’s adventurous and supportive and sexy and candid and calming and grounded and diplomatic and sensitive and open-minded, and he sometimes seems to have the emotional intelligence of a veteran therapist. He can also turn a phrase like few people can. Admittedly, I have a weakness for that skill.

So what’s his deal? And if that f-ing shoe is gonna fall, then I wish it’d do it sooner than later so that I can get on with my life – either with him in it or without.

Falling for Mark3

Ya know, for someone who is single, looking for a relationship and has an actual prospect in her life, I certainly don’t do myself any favors.

I was over at Mark3’s house again the other night and had brought an overnight bag (yes, an overnight bag – don’t worry, it’s cool – he suggested I bring it so that I wouldn't have to drive home late at night and could just get ready for work there the next morning). His walk-out basement has been converted to the master bedroom, and so I was taking my bag down there.

As I get about halfway down the stairs, Kaya, his cute and capricious, yet kitty-killing dog decides she wants to go downstairs, too. Painting a clearer picture for you: Kaya is an awesome dog, but she is half-pit bull/half-lab and 60 pounds of muscle, so when Kaya wants to go somewhere, she’s going – anyone in her way, be damned. On this particular night, it turns out that I am that anyone – and I’m walking down a flight of stairs. And wearing heels.

There is nothing good about this picture…

Obsessive Repulsive Disorder

I’m not in the mood to mince words today: this shit you'll see below irritates the hell out of me. I awoke to find three – THREE – emails from this self-proclaimed “Renaissance Man.” Wikipedia defines a Renaissance Man as a a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas. Clearly, propositioning, persuasiveness, and patience are not among these areas for “Jim,” here, whose medieval approach more than misses the mark.

Regrettably, this is not the first time I’ve been the victim of this kind of online dating haranguing by some overzealous fucktard. I don’t know what gets into these guys. Are they über-insecure, completely irrational, ravaged by OCD, or just fricken nuts? Read on to try and wrap your brain around the presumed logic behind this dude's match.com methodology…

Chez MarqueTrois

My love life is such a roller coaster.

I just wanted to say that Mark3 invited me over to his place the other night and made me dinner. I've never dated a guy who could actually cook anything that didn't come from a jar or a box in the freezer, so as you can imagine, this was one serious treat.

I am not sure what I was expecting, exactly -- and I don't even need to get into the specifics -- I just want to say: Mark3 made one heck of a meal -- nothing from jar, can, box, or freezer. Seriously, he even made his own salad dressing.

I mean, homemade salad dressing? Are you kidding me? I think I feel a new bar being set.

...Although, even the world record-holding limbo champion couldn't manage his way under the previous bar set by my ex, so I guess that's not saying all that much -- but I think you catch my drift.

One Nightstand

I began house-shopping about a month ago and last week, I sent my realtor a request to see three properties: a two-bedroom condo, a three-bedroom townhouse, and a four-bedroom single family home. It wasn’t until after viewing them that I realized how ridiculous that was – those properties completely run the gamut.

So exactly what kind of home am I looking for? I guess the answer depends on what kind of life I want to have – or rather, what kind of life I assume I'll have. Stripping this conundrum to its core, we find the obvious source of the vexation: Do I think I’m going to be single for a while to come or not?

This takes me back to a time before I'd gotten married. I wasn't just single, I was very single. And I’d just moved into my second home. 

Introducing the world's biggest dick

...And not the good kind either.

So you have to check out the email exchange below between me and quite possibly the angriest guy on Match.com. This dickhead (otherwise known as Bside180) "winked" at me several days ago. For those of you who aren't familiar with online dating lingo, winking is a way for (typically gutless) dudes to show a woman that they are interested; I posted about it earlier this week: Winker Post. Personally, I don't have time to respond to guys who don't bother taking the time to email me in the first place, so I ignored it. And in any event, if a guy is really interested, he’ll usually follow up with an email because I suspect most women don’t respond to winks.

Then, two days later, I check my email and find this: