Here's How It Will Go

Things with Mark3 continue to go well. I am, however, just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop. He appears to be a genuinely good guy, but I haven’t fully trusted my own judgment for a while now (for obvious reasons). I’ve therefore been guarded and cautious, yet thus far, he hasn’t let me down. He knows about my baggage and my skeletons and still, he sticks around – everyday a little more steadfast than the day prior. We’re complete opposites in all the right ways and similar in all the good ways, and when I’m with him, I get to live the kind of life that I want because we seem to want the same things. He’s adventurous and supportive and sexy and candid and calming and grounded and diplomatic and sensitive and open-minded, and he sometimes seems to have the emotional intelligence of a veteran therapist. He can also turn a phrase like few people can. Admittedly, I have a weakness for that skill.

So what’s his deal? And if that f-ing shoe is gonna fall, then I wish it’d do it sooner than later so that I can get on with my life – either with him in it or without.
 
In my relationship history, that shoe typically manifests as some sort of emotional recoiling. Sometimes it happens after a couple of weeks, sometimes it’s many months in; occasionally, it’s years. But whenever it happens, it’s always that point in time in which the guy appears to awaken one day with an overpowering epiphany that possesses his soul without him even realizing. It results from some nonsensical, unconscious deduction that because I’m nice to him, because I’m into him, and because our relationship is relatively good, then some dynamic between us must clearly be amiss. If I’m really that into him, he reasons, then he must have been aiming too low, so clearly, that means he can do better. And so he will either go secretly in search of “better” or he will bask in the faux glow of his presupposed superiority, operating under this new assumption that because he can do better, then I'm somewhat expendable, and so he begins to take me for granted.

It’s all downhill from there.

Sometimes I think that perhaps I should just preempt this whole routine by confronting it from the start. When starting up a new relationship, maybe I should just put it out there, tell him how a relationship normally works with me, and challenge him to do it differently. Maybe, then, we'd both have a shot at happiness. Here’s what I would say:


Dear Potential Boyfriend –

Before we begin, allow me to give you a little insight into a typical relationship with me, just to save us both some time and energy. Maybe, just maybe, if you are mature enough and perceptive enough, you can avoid the seemingly predictable pattern and consequential angst that has befallen every other man who realizes what he has lost only after I've walked away forever. Otherwise, here's how it will go:

We will meet, and you will pursue me.
I’ll be reserved; you’ll pursue me harder.
I will give in, but I will be cautious.
So you will pursue me harder, still.
I will get to know you, and I will start to like you.
Then we will be happy.

I am thoughtful, I am sweet, I'm understanding, I am fun.
I'll tell you I like you. I will do nice things for you.
You will start to fall for me.
Ultimately, you'll fall hard, and I will fall with you.
Then we will be even happier.

But…in time, complacency will set in. You will start to view things differently.
You will confuse generosity with desperation…
You will confuse humility with insecurity…
You will confuse candor with vulnerability…
You will confuse sacrifice with weakness. 

You will start to take me for granted.

You will quit trying. You think the chase is over. 
What was once about us will become all about you.
I will notice, and I will speak up.
You will continue to take me for granted.
You will act out. You will become disrespectful. You have lost sight of what I'm worth.
Conflict will ensue. You'll balk at change.
Eventually, we'll decide that it's over.

I will leave.
You will let me go.
I will be sad, but I'll move on quickly.
You'll be sad, but excited for the life you believed you could have without me.
Besides – you will think – if you change your mind, then we can reconcile.
(We can't.)
In the back of your mind, you even suspect that I will come running back.
(I don't.)
When I don't, you will find yourself worrying that maybe I never will.
(I won't.)

You will go out with other women.
You will leave the dates thinking of me.
Doubt will set in, regret will follow.
For the first time you will begin to see what you had but threw away.
Then, one morning, you will awake and realize you cannot live without me.
On that morning, I will awake next to the guy who already knows.
And you will be alone.

Here’s to hoping you can be the first man to break the cycle, do it the right way and end up being the guy who already knows -- and this time, the guy who will never forget.

Good luck. I am certainly pulling for you.