The Birther Lives

Those of you following this blog probably know about the birther. If you don't, here ya go: birther blog post. Either way, guess what: the birther is back. A full two months after I so unceremoniously dismissed him, he apparently developed a case of amnesia. Last night, this email arrived in my inbox: 

The birther in all his douchey glory

Hi! It has been more than a few minutes since I last saw you!!!! How are you doing?!?! I hope all is well, I thought I would have seen you at work by now but no luck :-( anyway, hope you're doing okay and I hear from you before I die, muah

"muah"? Are you kidding me? What does "muah” mean, anyway? I think it might be that kissy-sound type thing that wealthy French people, heiresses, socialites, and flaming gay dudes use to greet each other. At any rate, no one should be using this unless he or she belongs to one of those aforementioned categories. And no one should be trying to use it phonetically when writing. Ever. It’s stupid.

My second gripe: why this numbskull so oblivious? I mean, let’s pretend for a second that he doesn’t recall our last date. It’s been two months. If someone I was going out with took a two month hiatus, I would take that to mean that they do not want to be with me. And if that someone could actually go two months without speaking to me, why would I want to be with them?  

Third gripe: chill with the punctuation.


Fourth gripe: the frowny face just really irks me.

Fifth gripe: the work comment. I have no clue what that means, as he does not work in or around my building, nor do we work in a same or even similar industry. One super-creepy possibility, I suppose: a couple weeks prior to the birther disclosure, he got a new job in an office located in one of the few highrises around here. That building sits facing another highrise where a good friend of mine lives. Jokingly, I’d mentioned that he could wave at me from work whenever I’m over at my friend’s place. I also recall him asking me what floor she lived on. I told him, just playing along and thought nothing of it. ............Do you really think? Is there any conceivable way that he could possibly be referring to the fact that he’s been at his desk on a daily basis with a pair of binoculars (Rush's radio show playing in the background, no doubt) just sitting there trying to catch a glimpse of me? Ew. 

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Anyway, this chapter (actually it’s more like a paragraph) ended a while ago. I’m not replying to him. Although, if I did, I know exactly what I'd say: 

Birther, please go away!!! Please don’t email me again!!! And please stop spying on me!!! You've got a birth certificate to find!!!!!! >:0)

muah