Winkers

I have a quick online dating rant...

I hate winks, and I hate winkers.

Winking, for those of you who aren't familiar with online dating lingo, is an option that match.com members can take to show someone they are interested as opposed to sending an email. All you have to do is click on a button and it sends a message to your mark notifying them of your interest. 

To date, I have personally never winked, nor have I ever responded to one. 

I'm sure it has some sort of utility – perhaps for those who are painfully shy and just cannot work up the courage to make a genuine first move. To each his own, and if the painfully shy type is what floats your boat, then go get 'im girl. It’s probably also helpful for women who aren’t really down with the Sadie Hawkins thing and would prefer that the man take the initiative.  That’s not for me, but I get it. And not to be sexist or anything (except that I’m totally being sexist when I say what I’m about to) but my beef isn’t really with women anyway; it’s male winkers that I take issue with.

Mostly, I see it as a cop out. It’s the tool of the lazy and uninspired. Rather than taking the time to compose a short, thoughtful note, all they have to do is click on a button. That’s it. Match started offering this option several years back, and ever since, my inbox gets flooded with winks. I have a feeling that guys just scan the pages for girls they think are cute and simply wink away. There’s no real measurable time commitment required in the act of winking, and if they are merely browsing the photos rather than reading the profiles, just imagine how many winks a guy could fire off in half an hour. Hundreds, probably. 

I also think that winking is the wussy way out. If you want to talk to me, then grow a pair and send me an email. Don’t shoot me some half-hearted bullshit hint that you think I’m neat. You don’t have to spend an hour penning an autobiographical opus for me to take notice – just write me a couple lines to introduce yourself. Otherwise, don’t bother. 

A winker could feasibly be the most perfect guy on paper, but I’m not going to respond because, quite frankly, if you are the type of guy who is going to be able to handle me, then you are going to have to bring it. You’re gonna have to be willing to take a leap of faith, grab the bull by the horns, and pound out a couple sentences to inform me of your existence and relative interest in potentially getting to know me. 

I mean, why on earth would I date a winker? Most winkers probably turn out to be husbands who would sooner shave their ball sack with a Ginsu knife than tell their mother that her habit of showing up unannounced at your front door every Sunday afternoon is kind of inconvenient. I bet the average winker consistently uses the last piece of toilet paper and never changes the roll. And ten years from now, mark my words: most of those winkers in my inbox will become those same sleaze balls you see eyeing your boobs as you walk by the restaurant table their sharing with their wives.

Bottom line is: this winking thing is a joke. And guys – seriously – it sucks enough to have to tell people that you met on Match.com. Do you really want “winking” to be part of your story, too?