So, I’d mentioned that I’d been rather introspective over the past couple weeks. It does, as you might imagine, have a lot to do with venturing out on a second, then a third and fourth date with Mark3, and it has everything to do with moving on with my life.
I’ll be honest: I’m scared. I’m scared because in all the years I've spent dating, I’m not sure I’ve grown any savvier at it. I've made crappy decisions, I've been a bad judge of character, and this last time, I screwed up monumentally by actually marrying a man who turned out to be a complete douchebag. And you know what? Despite about a year's worth of soul searching since the split and easily ten or so hours spent on a therapist's couch, I'm still not entirely sure what I did wrong -- and as such, I am not at all confident that I won't screw up again.
This recent revelation is, in fact, this poignant: I've kept a journal for many years and four months into my relationship with my ex, I scribbled across a journal page:
"This is a man who will never cheat on his wife."
I didn’t recall having recorded that tragically misinformed statement, but as I combed through the pages of my personal narrative last week, there it was. I’d been desperately searching for any missed sign or undiagnosed symptom that might have clued me in to what a farce of a relationship I was plunging into at the time. Instead, I get slapped in the face with the discovery of this “observation,” the epitome of naivety. I hadn’t merely failed to notice the symptoms; I’d given him a squeaky clean bill of health. How utterly devastating.
And so that brings me to here. In my hunt for answers, I’ve found only more questions. So what now? What about this go round? What if I continue to see Mark3 – or any one man, for that matter? What am I supposed to do differently? If I was so completely wrong last time, what are the odds that I’ll get it right this time?
It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
...Perhaps I have good reason to be scared.
In the beginning of any good romantic relationship you feel smitten and you think "this man will never cheat on me." That is how you should feel. And it should be true... But you cannot control another's behavior. You take a leap of faith and you hope that the person keeps his promises. Maybe you missed a sign? Maybe you didn't. Here's what I'd say: does he keep his dates? does he show up on time? does he make you a priority? does he feel guilty when he lies (or calls in sick to work)? how does he treat his other friends and family? People with high morals wouldn't be able to live with themselves if they did cheat. Look for high morals.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anonymous. I think I've gotten so hung up on over-analyzing every little thing that I'm neglecting to focus on the truly important things -- all that you've mentioned here. This is great advice.
ReplyDelete