Introducing the world's biggest dick

...And not the good kind either.

So you have to check out the email exchange below between me and quite possibly the angriest guy on Match.com. This dickhead (otherwise known as Bside180) "winked" at me several days ago. For those of you who aren't familiar with online dating lingo, winking is a way for (typically gutless) dudes to show a woman that they are interested; I posted about it earlier this week: Winker Post. Personally, I don't have time to respond to guys who don't bother taking the time to email me in the first place, so I ignored it. And in any event, if a guy is really interested, he’ll usually follow up with an email because I suspect most women don’t respond to winks.

Then, two days later, I check my email and find this:

At this point, I'm slightly confused. Surely this guy isn't taking a jab at me, right? And so I reply with a simple, "Huh?" A few hours later, I then receive this gratuitously malevolent diatribe from him. Read for yourself. The venom that he spews at me is appalling…

As you can imagine, I'm sitting there simply stunned, not knowing whether to cry or throw something. Had this asswipe been standing in front of me, I can assure you that it'd have been the latter.

Now, let me digress for a second – if you’ve been reading my blog, then you probably know that I’m bitingly sarcastic and can be honest to a brutal degree. I am, however, a good person, and quite frankly, Bside180’s admonishment hurt my feelings. I’m no Mother Teresa but I do volunteer at the animal shelter, I’m the go-to shoulder-lender for friends in need, I smile at strangers, I always recycle, and I’m the idiot who pulled over on a local highway last week to move a turtle out of the road. And precisely because online dating profiles are so universally “self-promoting,” this go-round, I decided to take a different approach and lead mine off with the following:

Let's get this out of the way first...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME:

I’m a cynic & yet a closet optimist. I love Taco Bell. I’m a total smart ass. I know the words to way too many rap songs. I like cheap beer. I say random things when I’m nervous. I eat cake frosting out of the container. I've seen every season of The Bachelor. I’m a patrolling officer of the Grammar Police. I'm clumsy. I sleepwalk. I floss excessively. I’m a recovering nail-biter. I’ve never seen Star Wars. I complain too much. I can't park a car. I yell at the TV during political shows. I can play Death Is Not an Option for hours. I crack jokes in tense situations. I cry every time I see the Sarah McLachlan pet commercial. I’m kind of a techie. I use too many sports metaphors. I collect power tools. I hate tomatoes. I use the word hate too much. And my last 3 car accidents occurred in my driveway. 

I did, of course, follow this up with a flowery narrative describing myself – but I can assure you that it was no more boastful than anyone else’s on this site – and I’d like to think that any semblance of conceit was subdued by the divulgence above. Admittedly, some of those “flaws” are included more for comic relief than as some shameful confession, but I’ve no doubt that more than a few men have read that and thought to themselves “Wow, a whiny, graceless goof with really bad taste…thanks but I think I’ll pass.” In which case, fine. It’s not like I’m getting past the third date without tripping over something in front of him anyway (no lie, I actually fell down the stairs at Mark3’s house last week – while holding drink – priceless).

Now, getting back to Bside180’s tirade, my little digression here was to illustrate how far out of left field his dressing-down of me seemed. And beyond that, even if my profile really was “shamelessly arrogant and self-promoting” – why in the hell would some stranger take precious time out of his day to write something like this? So…I responded:

And then I blocked him.

What a complete cocksucker.